I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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