Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
