I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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