We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
