I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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