he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
