my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Shame - the story of my life.
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