...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
