you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
