I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
