WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
accomplished twins. life is a go
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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