My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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