Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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