sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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