My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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