today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
