this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She's just so happy...and so naked.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
