What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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