I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
