my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
