put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
