i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
