He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Four minutes until I can fart!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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