too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
