Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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