I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
