I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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