And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
