She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
