i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
