Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
