i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
