my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
