and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's official drugs can't kill me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
