forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
