I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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