My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
