swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
