I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
