; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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