I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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