I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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