Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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