My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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