I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
