I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
home. puking in laundry basket.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My penis needs a shock collar
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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