he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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