i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
