Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
