he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
