You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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